This is a private blog thing for myself. No one I actually know has the link for here.
5.17.2004
Yaddy yadda, it's not necessary to post the rest. She just said she doesn't want to be monogamous to me, so whatever. I've been fucked over again. Story of my life. I wish I never fell in love. I tried more with this relationship. This would be why I dislike being optimistic. It always leads to getting my hopes up for nothing. Then I get trampled, like I usually do. She has her pattern of infedelity, I have my pattern of getting fucked over. Want to fuck someone over? Come date me!
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
um, i guess i should start with telling you that i wasnt exactly honest with you... um, I've cheated on everyone I've been with, except Martina.. and you. I'm not a faithful person... I just can't seem to be. I dunno what it is... but I decided that you shouldnt be put through that... but I'm positive it will happen... because it always does.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
feel free to hate me for lying. it's just that every time i start a new relationship, i think i can do it... but i can't.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
i can't seem to bring myself to be monogomous. not just yet anyway.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
I wanna be young. I wanna be a teenager. I wanna go out, get drunk and do whatever without worrying what will happen.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
worrying about who I'm hurting.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - you're the other half of the sky, creature comfort me tonight says:
why would you not be honest with me?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
because i wanted to be with you and i thought i could so it.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
*do it
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - you're the other half of the sky, creature comfort me tonight says:
what makes you think you can't?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
because i know i can't.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - you're the other half of the sky, creature comfort me tonight says:
how do you knnow?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
because I do. I know who I am... I know I can't do it.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
Maybe I don't want to do it.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - i wish i could love the sun again says:
why?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
because i want to be young. i want to have fun. i dont want to be tied down. i thought i could.... i even told john that i was gonna be good this time. even he didn't think I could do it.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - i wish i could love the sun again says:
so there's someone else?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
who knows. but if there is, i wanna be able to go with it.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
i wanna be able to do what i WANT. not what someone else wants or expects me to do.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
fuck...
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
what?
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
it should be blatently obvious
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
well, fuck doesnt tell me anything.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
what do you wanna know
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
i dont know. more than "fuck"
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
well, i feel crappy
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
I'm a fuck up, okay? All I do, is fuck up. I shouldnt have started a relationship with you. I thought I could do it.. thought I could live with being monogomous... but I can't. I just... can't.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
not right now.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
what makes you think you can't? what EXACTLY makes you think that?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
because i don't want to.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
i want to be able to do what i want.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
i want to find myself.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
i dont want to be tied down.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
.......
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
what?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
"......" doesnt say anything.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
i know, i can't seem to form words
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
um ok...
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
im pouring my heart out and all you can say is "......"?
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
you know what my heart says, i think.
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
I can't do it.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
so i'm fucked then
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
why are you fucked?
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
im getting out before i hurt you.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
well i'm already hurt, but that was expected
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
*sigh*
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
remind me never to be optimistic again
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
don't not be optimistic because of my stupidity
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
i tried to be optimistic this time, and this is why i try not to be usually
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
but not everyone is stupid like me.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - i'm crazy for trying, i'm crazy for crying, and i'm crazy for loving you says:
but i don't fucking love everyone like you
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
I can't do it
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - i'm crazy for trying, i'm crazy for crying, and i'm crazy for loving you says:
you assume...
[deanna] [i'm a frosted lemon coward] [everything in my body says no] says:
i KNOW. fuck. why cant you except that.
.INViSiBLE KiÐ. / Stratotiatus / The Chauffer - creature comfort, delicate, wish i could lose the day we met says:
i feel like i'm going to be sick...
....and it just resumes going downhill from there
She seems to be avoiding me. This is the only day I can recall she hasn't been online. It saddens me. I emailed her lastnight, something about my feelings, and she hasn't replied, so she must be making an effort to not come online. This non-contact just kills me. I hate not talking to the one I love. It happened with Sheri and that was one of our downfalls. I really don't like this. I hate this whole thing. Why is it difficult? Is it worth fighting for? Something worth fighting for will be difficult, but as will something that is done completly in vain. I wonder which one this is...I'm trying to fight. But I need to see her, sometime when no one else is around, because I know I'd cry. I'd probably full out break down. I don't want to give up, but if she's going to, then I may as well...because there's always got to be two sides to a relationship. God it hurts...I wish there was a surefire way of expressing myself, a way that she will for sure understand. She's worried about me hurting her big time. That's something that she shouldn't even worry about. But, I said one of my stupid things in an attempt to entice her (seeing if she would break up with me) and she didn't, but I didn't know it would worry her. I said "I think I should take my heart back". I honestly don't want to. She doesn't have to worry about me hurting her. I would never cheat, I wouldn't lie (and I didn't consider "I think I should take my heart back" to be a lie, but seems it is), and I wouldn't leave her unless things were really shitty, and we were constantly mad at each other and didn't talk like it was with Sheri. We are going through bad times now, but I will not give up on her that easy. I know it's my nature to, but I will not this time. We love each other tons, it seems, and I will not just give up. That will only happen when she says "I don't love you anymore; fuck off" or something like that. I will not give up, I will grin and bear the pain. If she leaves, a piece of my soul leaves too. I want to keep her...
5.14.2004
Well, now that I'm done freaking out, I'm getting my clear-headedness back. I talked to Deanna more, and I'm finally seeing the root of her fears. I also see why specifically she seems to be scared with me (only one reason, really, other than that, I'm an equal). Obviously, she's scared because she doesn't want to get hurt. But I've found the root of that too, even though I'm sure I don't know nearly all of it, I have a much better idea now.
On that note, it's frustrating. I'm the most honest person you could ever know in a relationship, and I'd be the last person to cheat on someone, or lie to them about my feelings. See, earlier in the convo, I was freaking out and being an emotional freak. But then I listened, like really listened, and I got it. But when I was being emo-freak, I said "I should take my heart back". Obviously, I didn't mean it, because I love her very very very much. I was just trying to tempt her and seeing if she really did want to break up with me, and that would have gotten rid of the whole guilt thing for her (well, somewhat), so she would have done it if she wanted to. But she didn't. Except, now she thinks that's what I really wanted to do, but it's the last thing I wanted to do. She can't seem to beleive me because she's paranoid. I understand, but at the same time I know it's the last thing I wanted to do. I guess I can't get it through in words....I don't know, we'll see...but I know I love her and want to keep her, and I'll try and try more. My love is very strong.
5.13.2004
Why the fuck do I bother? Why do I do it even though I know I'm going to get my heart butchered mercilessly? I'm so stupid. And weak. Weak as hell. I'm all bent over this, when she's probably not even giving it a passing thought. Fucking typical of me. I hate moods. I hate schizoaffective disorder. I hate this feeling. I'm going to be hurt, and already have been. All I'm saying to myself are cursed four letter words. I can't think of anything intelligable to say. Fuck this
