This is a private blog thing for myself. No one I actually know has the link for here.
2.29.2004
What a lovely weekend I had. Friday/Saturday was das bomb. That's because I spent it with Deanna, mua haaa. I'm talking to her now, so I'll write more later
2.26.2004
Wow. That happened quick. Deanna and I are now together. I break up with Sheri and in a little over 24 hours I'm with someone else. Aren't I resourceful? lol. It was bound to happen. I guess that was my secret agenda in breaking up with Sheri at this point in time. But that was also bound to happen. I saw no prospect in Sheri and me anymore. She'll kill me when she hears the news. I'll just tell her that honestly, I broke up with her for someone else. No point in lying about it. Even though I already have. Which will kind of fuck things up.
Obviously, Sheri didn't come online today. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I sort of wanted to sort things out. Like, iron out the wrinkles, so to speak. I just left her a Yahoo message saying "Well, now I have some more bad news for you". That might be a little enticement to want to talk to me. Oh well, I'm not going to leave her a message saying "you're completly out of the picture because you've been replaced by someone else". I'd rather tell her in real time, you know?
Another thing to be worried about with being with Deanna is Catt. Catt is in love with Deanna. Deanna is in love with Catt, but she's sure it won't work. Catt is more of a best friend to her. We're trying to discuss how she'll learn about this. I'm also wondering if Catt will kill us. Or shun us for a very long time. Or both.
Dea: i wanna wait till after friday... but then i'd feel like an ass for keeping it from her... but like, it might upset her... and i want her to have a good time this weekend... but maybe it'll be obvious?
OhGr: Yea I was thinking the same thing.
Dea: argh. i dunno what to do.
OhGr: I don't either
Dea: i think maybe we should wait.. cuz i want her to have fun this weekend... ?
Dea: gah i dunno
OhGr: It'll be obvious that we really like each other, but the fact that we've decided to be together won't.
Dea: yeah, that's true.
OhGr: Maybe leave it at that? And tell her we're together after?
Dea: i think that's best.
^^Our thoughts on the issue. Friday is when we go to Catt's to celebrate Dea's birthday (which is today; Thursday). It's going to be interesting. Dea and I will be affectionate, no doubt, and Catt will have to witness it. That will be strange.
New info, Dea tells me that her ex, Jill, also wanted me. Wtf? The things I do not know. So, all of my gay group posse of lesbians wanted me; Dea, Jill, Natalie, and Catt did at one point. Weirdness, haha.
Obviously, Sheri didn't come online today. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I sort of wanted to sort things out. Like, iron out the wrinkles, so to speak. I just left her a Yahoo message saying "Well, now I have some more bad news for you". That might be a little enticement to want to talk to me. Oh well, I'm not going to leave her a message saying "you're completly out of the picture because you've been replaced by someone else". I'd rather tell her in real time, you know?
Another thing to be worried about with being with Deanna is Catt. Catt is in love with Deanna. Deanna is in love with Catt, but she's sure it won't work. Catt is more of a best friend to her. We're trying to discuss how she'll learn about this. I'm also wondering if Catt will kill us. Or shun us for a very long time. Or both.
Dea: i wanna wait till after friday... but then i'd feel like an ass for keeping it from her... but like, it might upset her... and i want her to have a good time this weekend... but maybe it'll be obvious?
OhGr: Yea I was thinking the same thing.
Dea: argh. i dunno what to do.
OhGr: I don't either
Dea: i think maybe we should wait.. cuz i want her to have fun this weekend... ?
Dea: gah i dunno
OhGr: It'll be obvious that we really like each other, but the fact that we've decided to be together won't.
Dea: yeah, that's true.
OhGr: Maybe leave it at that? And tell her we're together after?
Dea: i think that's best.
^^Our thoughts on the issue. Friday is when we go to Catt's to celebrate Dea's birthday (which is today; Thursday). It's going to be interesting. Dea and I will be affectionate, no doubt, and Catt will have to witness it. That will be strange.
New info, Dea tells me that her ex, Jill, also wanted me. Wtf? The things I do not know. So, all of my gay group posse of lesbians wanted me; Dea, Jill, Natalie, and Catt did at one point. Weirdness, haha.
2.25.2004
Well, I'm now single. Here's an excerpt from Sheri and my convo (it ends when she left, and before it starts, she was getting pissed because apparently I was assuming things.)
OhGr: Well, whatever
OhGr: You can see whoever you want and do drugs again
Sheri: i dont plan on seeing whoever and i dont plan on doing drugs
Sheri: i have no one else to see
Sheri: you ARE the person i love
Sheri: but whatever
Sheri: g'nightg
Sheri: g'night*
OhGr: I'm just saying you can and don't have to worry about my scrutiny. Goodnight, i'll talk to you whenver the hell you come online next
Sheri: stop assuming that i dont care
Sheri: b/c i do
Sheri: whether i show it or not
OhGr: You never show it. That's the problem
So, yea, it didn't end on a good note. But, she should have seen it coming. She's changed. She used to show me how she cared, and was happy to talk to me all the time. She used to come online just to talk to me, and if she didn't, she'd call me. She always told me how much she missed me, and we'd plan for the future. But that's all stopped. This was the longest conversation I've had with her in who knows how long. That's the most she's shown me she cares in months. It shouldn't take breaking up with her for that to happen. I didn't want to do this, but I'm unhappy with things with her. I don't see them changing, nor her putting an effort to change things. She knew about my dark side, and only two people on earth know about it, Scott and Sheri. They both understand too. Other people would think I'm sick and should be avoided. But I don't cry, because I'm too used to have already tried to get over her...
OhGr: Well, whatever
OhGr: You can see whoever you want and do drugs again
Sheri: i dont plan on seeing whoever and i dont plan on doing drugs
Sheri: i have no one else to see
Sheri: you ARE the person i love
Sheri: but whatever
Sheri: g'nightg
Sheri: g'night*
OhGr: I'm just saying you can and don't have to worry about my scrutiny. Goodnight, i'll talk to you whenver the hell you come online next
Sheri: stop assuming that i dont care
Sheri: b/c i do
Sheri: whether i show it or not
OhGr: You never show it. That's the problem
So, yea, it didn't end on a good note. But, she should have seen it coming. She's changed. She used to show me how she cared, and was happy to talk to me all the time. She used to come online just to talk to me, and if she didn't, she'd call me. She always told me how much she missed me, and we'd plan for the future. But that's all stopped. This was the longest conversation I've had with her in who knows how long. That's the most she's shown me she cares in months. It shouldn't take breaking up with her for that to happen. I didn't want to do this, but I'm unhappy with things with her. I don't see them changing, nor her putting an effort to change things. She knew about my dark side, and only two people on earth know about it, Scott and Sheri. They both understand too. Other people would think I'm sick and should be avoided. But I don't cry, because I'm too used to have already tried to get over her...
2.24.2004
Rock Lyrics : Hammerfall : Legacy Of Kings
The song Let the Hammer Fall is kickass. It's my new favourite song. It has the best guitar solo. It's got like multiple bends in it, and it just sounds so cool. For whatever reason, I now associate it with Deanna.
I met up with Ashley today. It was good. I didn't see her for long enough, and I was insanely nervous (which is not unusual for me, being a paranoid schizo, literally). I couldn't be flirty at all, and make note of what she did in response. But she said the odd thing that suggested she was still interested in me. When I meet someone for the first time who I'm potentially interested in, I always worry they won't like me offline, as in not in a picture. I still worry that Deanna won't like me, even though she's seen me offline.
I was talking to Catt tonite at my gay group, and we were talking about Friday (when I'm suppost to see Deanna and her, and drink for Dea's birthday). She mentioned that Deanna hadn't kissed another girl with a tongue ring, and said "I'll let you kiss her", I'm just like wtf. Then she asked "are you going to sleep with Deanna", even though she meant in a non-sexual way, but still, caught me off guard. I just gave her this weird look. But of course, inside, I was screaming "yes!" lol. I'm a nerd, but Deanna likes nerds apparently.
I haven't talked to Sheri since lastnight, even though she said she would be online tonite. Why am I not surprised? I'm reaching my last straw with her. Even aside from there being two other girls, I'm not very enthusiastic about staying with her. She didn't really care when I said it was a problem that she wasn't online for a week by choice. That pissed me off. So, if she comes online, I will just start telling her shit. I don't care if she gets pissed or offended. She's pissed me off and offended me many times in the past couple months. I'm sick of it. Plankton even says "drop Sheri and pick a girl" lmao. I love my Plankton.
So yes, I'm still in the same bind, even after seeing Ashley, because of the fact that seeing her was a success. I'll also have to see what happens with seeing Deanna this weekend. She's coming back online, but her sister took the computer temporarily. I told her what Catt said about kissing her, she she seemed kinda weirded out that Catt used the word "let", as in she needs permission. Oh well, I guess in a sense she does, because Catt still loves Deanna. And apparently Deanna still loves Catt. That's a strike against Deanna, because I'm an attention whore, and I have to be the only one in my girlfriend's life. I'm possessive, so sue me.
Well, I'm done. Perhaps more later, after I talk to Dea. I think I missed Ashley already, because I saw her name is changed on MSN, but she's not online. So, perhaps she's come and gone. I wasn't expecting to be late from group.
Bye bye
The song Let the Hammer Fall is kickass. It's my new favourite song. It has the best guitar solo. It's got like multiple bends in it, and it just sounds so cool. For whatever reason, I now associate it with Deanna.
I met up with Ashley today. It was good. I didn't see her for long enough, and I was insanely nervous (which is not unusual for me, being a paranoid schizo, literally). I couldn't be flirty at all, and make note of what she did in response. But she said the odd thing that suggested she was still interested in me. When I meet someone for the first time who I'm potentially interested in, I always worry they won't like me offline, as in not in a picture. I still worry that Deanna won't like me, even though she's seen me offline.
I was talking to Catt tonite at my gay group, and we were talking about Friday (when I'm suppost to see Deanna and her, and drink for Dea's birthday). She mentioned that Deanna hadn't kissed another girl with a tongue ring, and said "I'll let you kiss her", I'm just like wtf. Then she asked "are you going to sleep with Deanna", even though she meant in a non-sexual way, but still, caught me off guard. I just gave her this weird look. But of course, inside, I was screaming "yes!" lol. I'm a nerd, but Deanna likes nerds apparently.
I haven't talked to Sheri since lastnight, even though she said she would be online tonite. Why am I not surprised? I'm reaching my last straw with her. Even aside from there being two other girls, I'm not very enthusiastic about staying with her. She didn't really care when I said it was a problem that she wasn't online for a week by choice. That pissed me off. So, if she comes online, I will just start telling her shit. I don't care if she gets pissed or offended. She's pissed me off and offended me many times in the past couple months. I'm sick of it. Plankton even says "drop Sheri and pick a girl" lmao. I love my Plankton.
So yes, I'm still in the same bind, even after seeing Ashley, because of the fact that seeing her was a success. I'll also have to see what happens with seeing Deanna this weekend. She's coming back online, but her sister took the computer temporarily. I told her what Catt said about kissing her, she she seemed kinda weirded out that Catt used the word "let", as in she needs permission. Oh well, I guess in a sense she does, because Catt still loves Deanna. And apparently Deanna still loves Catt. That's a strike against Deanna, because I'm an attention whore, and I have to be the only one in my girlfriend's life. I'm possessive, so sue me.
Well, I'm done. Perhaps more later, after I talk to Dea. I think I missed Ashley already, because I saw her name is changed on MSN, but she's not online. So, perhaps she's come and gone. I wasn't expecting to be late from group.
Bye bye
Hmmm...well this is my private blog (private as in the people I talk to don't know about it). I think I'll update this more than my regular blog, considering most of my thoughts lately should be kept secret from those around me. Except Neddy. She rocks.
(note: I'm a queer female)
Well, mainly on my mind, is the bind I'm in. I'm with Sheri right now. We're suppost to be deeply in love, but she hasn't been paying much attention to me. She didn't come online for a week, just because she didn't feel like it. Don't I feel special? But now, I just met Ashley, and I met Deanna sometime last year. I hadn't talked to Deanna a lot until recently, but I had a crush on her when I met her. She liked me too, but nothing could happen because I'm with Sheri, and Catt our mutal friend is in love with Dea. But, I've began talking to her again recently, and my liking for her has come out of remission.
I met Ashley a couple days ago, but everything seems right about her. She's cool, we're looking for the same things in a relationship, she's local (Sheri and I are long distance, eg. Canada to South Dakota in the States), and she seems really interested in me (which is something I look for, because I don't feel confident to initiate things). She's also hot of course, lol. Not like that's a huge factor, it's a bonus.
My main problem, aside from liking two other girls, is breaking all this to Sheri. And knowing what to say. I don't even know what I want to do. Do I break up with her? Do I just share what's going on? I'm leaning towards breaking up with her, because she's been neglecting me for quite some time, and I can't have that in a relationship. I'm needy, and need attention. I don't know what's up there, but I really don't like it, and I've told Sheri this, but it doesn't seem to compute. She doesn't find it to be a big deal that she just kind of disappeared for a week. I told all this to Neddy, and she agrees that it's ludacris and unacceptable.
After dealing with Sheri (and assume for instance we broke up), I would have to decide between two other girls. I've known Deanna longer, but I think she still has feelings for Catt (yes that whole thing was mutual), and she's also mentioned other girls she likes somewhat. Ashley, I don't know too well yet, it's only been a few days, but everything seems good about her. But the fact still remains that I don't know much about her, and I have trust issues.
Another thing I'm worried about is the fact that neither Sheri, Deanna or Ashley know about each other, and that they'll all be like "fuck you" when they find out. I feel deceitful. I think the best way to approach it, like the all knowing Neddy said, is to spend time with both of them, and explore my options with them, because obviously Sheri isn't providing me with what I need in a mate. I still love her though...not as much as I used to, but it would be hard letting her go...
All I can really do is ride this out and see what happens. I'll talk to Sheri tomorrow (if/when I talk to her, and if she doesn't stay for 5 minutes and then leave). I'll mention the fact that I feel neglected, and then maybe I'll drop the bomb about there being others. I have no idea how she'll react, that's the scary thing. I might be able to do this, but I know it will hit me afterward what I've done. I'll cry and cry because I lost Sheri. Of course, the whole other two girls thing remains. That will be difficult...
I will update more on the subject tomorrow. I might be seeing Ashley tomorrow, because I suggested she come to my gay group in Saugy tomorrow. I will call her at lunch and discuss the matter further. Meanwhile, I'm talking to Deanna, and it isn't helping me not like her...
(note: I'm a queer female)
Well, mainly on my mind, is the bind I'm in. I'm with Sheri right now. We're suppost to be deeply in love, but she hasn't been paying much attention to me. She didn't come online for a week, just because she didn't feel like it. Don't I feel special? But now, I just met Ashley, and I met Deanna sometime last year. I hadn't talked to Deanna a lot until recently, but I had a crush on her when I met her. She liked me too, but nothing could happen because I'm with Sheri, and Catt our mutal friend is in love with Dea. But, I've began talking to her again recently, and my liking for her has come out of remission.
I met Ashley a couple days ago, but everything seems right about her. She's cool, we're looking for the same things in a relationship, she's local (Sheri and I are long distance, eg. Canada to South Dakota in the States), and she seems really interested in me (which is something I look for, because I don't feel confident to initiate things). She's also hot of course, lol. Not like that's a huge factor, it's a bonus.
My main problem, aside from liking two other girls, is breaking all this to Sheri. And knowing what to say. I don't even know what I want to do. Do I break up with her? Do I just share what's going on? I'm leaning towards breaking up with her, because she's been neglecting me for quite some time, and I can't have that in a relationship. I'm needy, and need attention. I don't know what's up there, but I really don't like it, and I've told Sheri this, but it doesn't seem to compute. She doesn't find it to be a big deal that she just kind of disappeared for a week. I told all this to Neddy, and she agrees that it's ludacris and unacceptable.
After dealing with Sheri (and assume for instance we broke up), I would have to decide between two other girls. I've known Deanna longer, but I think she still has feelings for Catt (yes that whole thing was mutual), and she's also mentioned other girls she likes somewhat. Ashley, I don't know too well yet, it's only been a few days, but everything seems good about her. But the fact still remains that I don't know much about her, and I have trust issues.
Another thing I'm worried about is the fact that neither Sheri, Deanna or Ashley know about each other, and that they'll all be like "fuck you" when they find out. I feel deceitful. I think the best way to approach it, like the all knowing Neddy said, is to spend time with both of them, and explore my options with them, because obviously Sheri isn't providing me with what I need in a mate. I still love her though...not as much as I used to, but it would be hard letting her go...
All I can really do is ride this out and see what happens. I'll talk to Sheri tomorrow (if/when I talk to her, and if she doesn't stay for 5 minutes and then leave). I'll mention the fact that I feel neglected, and then maybe I'll drop the bomb about there being others. I have no idea how she'll react, that's the scary thing. I might be able to do this, but I know it will hit me afterward what I've done. I'll cry and cry because I lost Sheri. Of course, the whole other two girls thing remains. That will be difficult...
I will update more on the subject tomorrow. I might be seeing Ashley tomorrow, because I suggested she come to my gay group in Saugy tomorrow. I will call her at lunch and discuss the matter further. Meanwhile, I'm talking to Deanna, and it isn't helping me not like her...
